Caution: You’re about to enter a pity party for one.
It’s whole30 day # ihavenoidea and I lost track because I failed and I suck.
I’m going to be honest with you. I feel a little defeated. No, I lied. I feel a LOT defeated. I wanted to do this Whole30 August challenge because I needed that PUSH to get me out of this funk I’ve been in for about a month and a half. It started out great. I started out strong. Then shit started happening again, in life. I couldn’t keep up. The cravings were bad and even when I tried to ignore them, the emotional eating cravings came back swinging wanting to kick my ass. I wanted chocolate all the time because I was sad. I wanted to feel better. I hurt my back and that kept me out of Crossfit for WEEKS. Motherfrackin WEEEEEEEKS. *screams* And you know when you are away from a workout routine, it’s hard to get back into it.
When you’re in a funk it’s hard to get out of. This funk sucks. I was skipping meals because I just wasn’t hungry. I would eat really late because I didn’t have time to eat or cook earlier. I would snack too much or not enough. I’d skip lunch because I was too lazy to prep a salad and too cheap to buy lunch. I could have done some light cardio with my back problem but I really just wanted to go straight home, curl into a ball on the couch and not move. Shit happens.
My sister’s still in the damn hospital and I’m just sad all the time for her, for me, for my family, for every.damn.thing. I’ve been visiting every weekend (driving from Oakland to LA) and when I’m there it’s like I lose all control that I usually have on LOCK! Like… I had that shit in the bag. You could eat a motherflippin’ buffet of chocolate cakes in my face if I were on a Paleo challenge and I would tell you to just blow me. (Excuse my potty mouth).
So this last weekend, the family wanted pizza. So we got pizza. The fam wanted Thai food and only ordered noodle dishes. So we ate noodle dishes. My sister wanted strawberry gelato, so I got a delicious ass ice cream sammich! (hahahahaha) My sister is sick of hospital food and I totally used that excuse to cheat on my whole30 and say it’s ok because it’s a special situation. I mean, maybe that’s true. But I don’t care. I don’t like that I can’t stick to something when I say I’m going to stick to something. I want to finish what I started and be proud of myself. I don’t want to cheat myself out of anything.
I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and I’ll get over it in a few days but I’m human so I am going to throw myself the biggest pity party for a few more hours then pick myself back up and figure out what I’m going to do about it now.
So the question is… should I just start over immediately for another 30 days? As in, tomorrow. Or should I just start fresh with a tiny break and do Whole30 September?
I’ll be back to SoCal this weekend to be with my sister again so if I decide to start a new Whole30 right away, I’ll have to REALLY be on it and be held accountable.
What do you think?!?! #HALP
**I wrote the above post last night when I was feeling crappy and couldn’t get all my thoughts on paper the way I wanted. I felt like I did a poor job explaining myself and I was basically just venting. After having some time to let everything stew, I posted on my IG about my Whole30 redo and I was able to get a little more out the way I wanted to:
Whole30 Day 1! YES I am starting over. If you want to hear me whine like a little betch, you can get more deets on my blog. Basically, I failed over the weekend in LA. After thinking about it, it’s not about the fact I slipped or “cheated” on a meal or 2 or 3. It’s not about the excuses. It’s not about feeling guilty. It’s not about what you can’t eat. It’s not about having to be 100% paleo 100% of the time. It’s about finishing something I started. It’s about proving to myself that I could do anything I tried hard at. It’s about getting the results I know this program can and did provide me in the past. It’s about not cheating myself. It’s about remembering why I did this in the first place: fixing eating/behavioral habits and getting rid of cravings. But it’s hard. FALSE. It’s not hard. “Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard.” (Quote from It Starts With Food) I do realize I lost a lot of the important basic concepts of the whole30 program as I’ve done it so many times I let myself be too “loose” with it. I need to re-read It Starts With Food. I need to not skip meals. I need to not focus on what I can’t eat but all the things I can. I need to adjust my behavioral patterns and sleep more. I need to write my goals down and follow them through. I’m doing this ya’ll. Keep me accountable. :)
Alright, aaaaaaaaaaaand here’s my breakfast. Eating 4 strips of bacon for breakfast. I should NOT be complaining about this challenge. :)
Book: It Starts With Food